This is going to be all over the place, so bear with me, but that is exactly where I am today...all over the place. I was going to try and go through Hodges pictures and put up a little glimpse of his 15 months with us. Maybe even some pictures that never made it onto the blog but as I started going through them my eyes welled up with tears. My heart hurt the kind of hurt that I try to protect it from all the time. To remember two years ago today, is to feel as though my heart might not take its next beat. In all that has happened in the past four years, there have only been two times that I have actually thought I literally can not do this. My heart, mind and entire being will not be able to function as of this moment and both times are when I had to leave Jacobsen and Hodges after they passed away. Two years ago today that is what we did with Hodges. We said goodbye. That final goodbye to his earthly body will forever be ingrained in my memory. To leave Hodges little body felt impossible and yet my mind was still working in a structured manner and I knew the separation had to occur. I will never forget kissing his little head and hands with a waterfall of tears falling all over the place and looking to Rich and Dr. Swoboda with what felt like a helpless, panicked look. Almost to say "somebody help me to not have to do this"! I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want for our time together here to be over. I didn't want to be separated from my little boy.
Two years today is a hard day to remember, but his life was so much more than his death. He was a gift and I will never forget all that he was, and the stir he caused in so many hearts and souls.
Hodges Chip Manross from Laurel Knell on Vimeo.
